Stealing Bulldogs Is Only The Beginning

When Lady Gaga’s French bulldogs were stolen, some saw it as the crime of the century. I think it’s the coming thing.

When a pair of thugs stole Lady Gaga’s French bulldogs, the world came to a stop. I thought it was coming to an end. In fact, it was a preview of a coming thing and it’s going to be big.

On a Wednesday evening, a dog walker walked the world’s most famous French bulldogs, Asia, Gustavo, and Koji. Two men driving a white Nissan Altima approached, according to LAPD’s Drake Madison.

By the way, when did cops starting having actor names?

According to the LAPD, “Two suspects exited a vehicle and demanded the dogwalker, Ryan Rischer, turn over the dogs at gunpoint.” One of the perps pulled out a semiautomatic and shot Fischer. Fischer yelled for help before they nabbed two of the three dogs and drove off. They left him screaming: “Oh my God! I’ve been shot!”

The Fischer family told USA Today, “Our beloved Ryan was the victim of a horrible, violent crime in Los Angeles.” Not to be left out in the social media cold, Lady Gaga referred to Fischer as a “hero” on Instagram. She added, “I continue to love you, Ryan Fischer.”

Continue?

Then the singer added, “You risked your life to fight for our family.”

Not to be outdone, the Fischer family responded, “Ryan loves Gustavo and Koji as much as Lady Gaga.”

Over the next few days, the singer offered a $500,000 reward for Koji and Gustav’s return — no questions asked. She created an email address, KojiandGustav@gmail.com, where anonymous tips could be sent while she was in Rome filming a movie. Her final gambit before the dogs was returned a hefty reward on Instagram: “My beloved Koji and Gustav were taken in Hollywood” in which Gaga posted a picture of her pooches. “My heart is sick, and I am praying my family will be whole again with an act of kindness. I will pay $500,000 for their safe return.” She told the press she feels “an epic sense of powerlessness.’ Two days later, Koji and Gustav were found. Not exactly a miracle.

A woman who claimed to be uninvolved (right) returned the two French bulldogs to the LAPD’s Olympic Community Police Station. Although it’s not clear how the woman obtained the dogs, Lady Gaga’s representatives confirmed they belong to the singer.

Wrapping up this strange story, the news reports left out a few details.

Gaga’s third dog, Asia, escaped and returned once the kidnappers had left the scene. Not much publicity for Asia, I had to do a Google search to find her name. I’m feeling sorry for Asia. All that fear and no reward, no publicity?

There was a method to the thieves’ madness. French bulldogs cost thousands of dollars. It appears to be the reason behind a rash of bulldog thefts. A woman in San Francisco was beaten in January at gunpoint as three men stole her gray French bulldog puppy named Chloe.

The perps were on to something.

As everyone knows, Gaga has won 11 Grammy Awards, headlined the Super Bowl’s halftime show, and has now become a bona fide Hollywood star after co-starring with Bradley Cooper in 2018’s “A Star is Born,” for which she won an Oscar. It is a sign of what Amazon’s Jeff Bezos says is critical to running successful companies, “embrace external trends quickly. If you fight them, you’re fighting the future.” His second gem of wisdom, “don’t confuse proxies with the real thing.” Here’s how that relates to our story.

The bulldog thieves embraced the first law of external trends — grab what’s hot and leave what’s not. That explains Asia’s escape.

The second was when they realized the reward beat dognapping — and remember, no questions asked — and thus the second external trend was born — to the highest bidder go the spoils, in this case, spoiled bulldogs.

Let’s review the concept of external trends and proxies and how they play havoc with our lives. In today’s somewhat dystopian universe (it is an external trend to think we are dystopian), celebrity is a proxy for intelligence. Brand names are proxy for high art. Defund the police is a trend that has us believing law enforcement is passe´. Warm and snuggly feels nicer than a vaccine.

The external trends suggest that status and cuddly beats law-abiding and thoughtful. In a proxy-driven world where fame is everything, the dogs’ fame led to their theft, and fame brought them back. So from the perspective of the dognappers, they don’t make the trends. They make a living ‘within’ them. That is why stealing French bulldogs is embracing the trend, and we can be sure there will be more to come.

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