Why I Hate Interviewing

(Co-written by my Pet Rock)

Ever consider that interviewing should be an episode of Twilight Zone? I think it should.

I’ve recently decided to begin interviewing for another job.

I get some of the weirdest conversations with recruiters — they seem so canned. I wonder if they’re aliens sent to spy on us. They seem to have just 4.25 minutes for my answers, and their questions simply are too complex for that.

“Hans, tell me about a time when you were able to diagnose a complex organizational issue that involved all layers of leadership where you were able to creatively resolve the issue in a short amount of time. What did you do, what were the indicators of success, how did you win over everyone, and what lessons did you learn about yourself in this process?”

When I pause to think, sometimes they remind me: “Hans, I have four more questions, and we only have another seventeen minutes. Plus I want to leave time for your questions.”

Right. Here’s a question: How old are you again? 23? I’ve been legally drinking longer than that. But you hold the keys to me progressing to the hiring manager.

What most people don’t realize is that recruiters are screening OUT; they are NOT screening you to see if you’re a good fit. That would take way too much effort, you see.

No, instead what (most) recruiters do is look on their dashboards and see hundreds of applications, and they need to filter those down to only a handful to give to the hiring manager so that they (the hiring manager) can decide who to talk to. It’s logical. But recruiters are looking for any single deviation from a formula / format to put into the “no” pile — so they can then take a pile of five to seven to their boss with a squeal — look who I found!!

Gaps in your resume? Reject.

Non-linear career path? Reject

Believer in disruptive technology? Hahahahahahahaha

Diverse interests? Oh, no no no. Begone!

* * * *

So, I struggle to remain engaged.

I sometimes decide to mix it up, just to throw a monkey wrench into their pre-programmed routine. After many experiments, I am unhappy to…

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